Nana ❤️️

Loss... 
I feel pain, confusion, hurt, guilt, truly emotionally fucked!
A complete loss of words, my thoughts always drifting back to you, 
realizing how much time I missed with you, but in our short time
the life lessons you've taught me are irreplaceable. I will never forget
when you taught me how to breathe correctly, to the bone crushing handshakes
I've endured since childhood... you made me stronger and now I always do that 
to my friends remembering you. All the times you scared me into memorizing 
my time tables. You gave all your grandchildren your sense of wanderlust, exploring 
the world, I always wished I could have gone on adventures with you. But 
every adventure I have you will always be there with me. 
I cannot express how grateful I am that I was with you in those final days, hours, 
minutes, seconds... by your side. You chose to have me with you and I will
always be strong for you and the family but especially myself. 
I love you! and you will always be in my heart. 

Closure

Sometimes you feel closure is only route you can take to get over someone... but what other options are out there? 
When the person you love so much, you would do anything they need from you, treat you like nothing unless they
need something from your "relationship". Is it possible you can never truly be friends with someone you have had feelings
for? Every time you look them in the eyes you see the future you once imagined and the horrid memories begin to fade... 
Perhaps your first love should be left in the past, with no "relationship" in the future. It is a hard to fathom letting go of 
that person without the closure you desire, yet they will not grant you, your one last desire from them. 
I suppose the only thing left to do is walk away and close that door for good start fresh, remember the pain and lessons' 
you have learned but grow as a person to become someone you are proud to be without them. 

Maybe that's what fate had written in the stars for these lovers... to let go. 

You Yourself, Deserve Your Love And Affection, As Much As Anybody In The Entire Universe - Bhudda

I realize this, that in order to be happy you must always be happy with oneself. To receive positive energy
in your life you must always radiate a positive attitude regardless of what else may have happened in the past.  
You should always know your own self worth, before you put anyone else's desires into your life. 
If you want to be content with yourself always think about yourself first and the others in your life without
feeling your forgetting about yourself, or becoming consumed with another's life. Being happy with yourself 
is a reward in itself. We all deserve to be happy with who we are as a person, and no one ever has the right
to take that feeling away from you. 


- You Yourself, Deserve Your Love And Affection, As Much As Anybody In The Entire Universe - Buddha

I really want to understand what I'm feeling inside right now.

It's so twisted and messy, constantly having mood swings, letting

myself get into harms way, never knowing what I actually want. 

How do I feel normal? 

Reality Sucks.

I will always love you but I'm beginning to realize it wasn't ment to be between us. 
You play games, and don't understand the consequences. You push me away and hurt
me, yet I've stuck by you through it all, for years... 
Now it's time to walk away from this, and see what's out there without the games.

Wish I understood.

I wish I knew why I loved you so much. You mean so much to me
but you don't understand. How do I make you realize that you 
make me a better version of myself. That when I'm with you, 
I feel complete. I wish you I could express myself with the 
correct words, without you walking out of my life. I know
that I love you. But I don't know where you stand right now.
You have someone else as well, but you always give off signs 
that you want something more with me. I just want the truth </3

Sometimes You Have To Put Your Ego Aside And Realize Your In The Wrong.

Why is it lately I feel like I keep getting the short end of the stick. 
No matter what, whether it's about love, or even just genuinely caring 
for someone, to continuing my education. Every time I start to feel like 
one thing is working out, another crashes and burns, making me feel 
the pain all over again.