My thoughts.

Loss...  I feel pain, confusion, hurt, guilt, truly emotionally fucked! A complete loss of words, my thoughts always drifting back to you,  realizing how much time I missed with you, but in our short time the life lessons you've taught me are irreplaceable. I will never forget when you taught me how to breathe correctly, to the bone crushing handshakes I've endured since childhood... you made me stronger and now I always do that  to my friends remembering you. All the times you scared me into memorizing  my time tables. You gave all your grandchildren your sense of wanderlust, exploring  the world, I always wished I could have gone on adventures with you. But  every adventure I have you will always be there with me.  I cannot express how grateful I am that I was with you in those final days, hours,  minutes, seconds... by your side. You chose to have me with you and I wil...

Sometimes you feel closure is only route you can take to get over  someone... but what other options are out there?  When the person you love so much, you would do anything they need from you, treat you like nothing unless they need something from your "relationship". Is it possible you can never truly be friends with someone you have had feelings for? Every time you look them in the eyes you see the future you once imagined and the horrid memories begin to fade...  Perhaps your first love should be left in the past, with no "relationship" in the future. It is a hard to fathom letting go of  that person  without the closure you desire, yet they will not grant you, your one last desire from them.  I suppose the only thing left to do is walk away and close that door for good start fresh, remember the pain and lessons'  you have learned but grow as a person to become someone you are proud to be without them.  Maybe that's what...

I realize this, that in order to be happy you must always be happy with oneself. To receive positive energy in your life you must always radiate a positive attitude regardless of what else may have happened in the past.   You should always know your own self worth, before you put anyone else's desires into your life.  If you want to be content with yourself always think about yourself first and the others in your life without feeling your forgetting about yourself, or becoming consumed with another's life. Being happy with yourself  is a reward in itself. We all deserve to be happy with who we are as a person, and no one ever has the right to take that feeling away from you.  - You Yourself, Deserve Your Love And Affection, As Much As Anybody In The Entire Universe - Buddha

I really want to understand what I'm feeling inside right now. It's so twisted and messy, constantly having mood swings, letting myself get into harms way, never knowing what I actually want.  How do I feel normal? 

I will always love you but I'm beginning to realize it wasn't ment to be between us.  You play games, and  don't understand the consequences. You push me away and hurt me, yet I've stuck by you through it all, for years...  Now it's time to walk away from this, and see what's out there without the games.

I wish I knew why I loved you so much. You mean so much to me but you don't understand. How do I make you realize that you  make me a better version of myself. That when I'm with you,  I feel complete. I wish you I could express myself with the  correct words, without you walking out of my life. I know that I love you. But I don't know where you stand right now. You have someone else as well, but you always give off signs  that you want something more with me. I just want the truth </3

Why is it lately I feel like I keep getting the short end of the stick.  No matter what, whether it's about love, or even just genuinely caring  for someone, to continuing my education. Every time I start to feel like  one thing is working out, another crashes and burns, making me feel  the pain all over again. 

When you turn out the lights it's all the same darkness. 

Why is it so difficult to pick up the pieces and put your heart back together? Maybe it's because every guy likes to  play mind games with us...  They all say they care, and that they want to try, and sweet talk you into thinking about the future,  but their all just waiting around for another girl.  Sometimes you need to take a step back from all the illusions they create and realize you deserve a lot better.  Sometimes all you need is to walk away from the addiction. 

I really wish I could understand what was wrong with me myself rather having thoughts of going to a professional to talk too. Am I really that emotionally damaged. I know the nightmares keep coming back, the thoughts of what might have happened, but can I really blame anyone other then myself? 

My breathe was incomplete, my heart was incomplete, I was incomplete.  But now the moon is full, complete in the sky, and now with you I am complete. ---- I may feel that way, but you have someone else. Could I be losing the person I  thought could be "the one", the guy I could see my future with.  ---- I wish you knew how I really felt about you, and when you say things... I wish  you would think about how it effects me.  ---- I'll always care about you, no matter what may happen in the future. 

   Throughout life we have paths we need to choose,  maybe once I met you, I decided to choose the harder  path, with more bumps and scratches along the way.  Choosing to always continue no matter how tough it  gets, because I always felt at the end I would reach what  I want, see the light and feel true happiness. I thought you  were the one, and maybe you were, but I lost my chance, or  maybe you were just here to teach me something, because  no matter if I follow this path or not, there is always going  to be a barrier between us. 

She thought you were different, the type that would hold her close when she was scared,  the guy who would never leave when things got tough, someone she could always talk to,  trust with her heart, believe that the promises meant something. But once you got what  you wanted, you showed your true colours. If you were going to hurt her, why did you gain her trust? Why would you let her open her heart to you? Was it really all just a game?  Did you find it funny putting her in pain? That she deserved to feel this way for someone  like you... 

Ugh. So why am I still allowing you to control my emotions from such a distance. 

Being alone isn't always bad, but sometimes when your alone you can only hear your thoughts,  the most inner subconscious of yourself. But what can I do? Give up or hold on? Is there  any way that this could just not hurt this much? There are so many thoughts running through my mind about you, how to understand this? why you are doing what you are? How can I know  anything if I can't talk to you myself. Everyone tells me you came into my life to teach me something,  it's to bad I wanted that lesson to go on longer then just this. I gave you my trust, my heart, and you betrayed that. You used it all against me. So what now? Being alone with my thoughts is all I can do. 

Why is it I actually felt like I needed you back in my life? You aren't the one and I always knew that, it's the reason we broke up.  I should have known my heart belongs to someone else. Even if he doesn't see that. Now all he does is hurt me as well, no matter how much I try to make him see, it will never work. He's chosen his path and I need to get back on mine. I just wished he would  have given us a chance, all that time wasted playing games, we could have been happy, probably still would be. You've chosen  to hurt me rather then care about me. I want you to be happy and I hope your decisions will make you happy. 

It could be but maybe it was never meant to be. It could be the reason why we haven't worked out yet. It could be that  I just wasn't good enough or maybe your still not over your ex girlfriend... so why did you chose to lead me on?  Was it fun for you? or did you just think it might be fun to make someone feel as low as you? Maybe I was just the idiot.  I just wish you could tell me things straight up rather then playing the mind games constantly. Besides sometimes I think I  fell in love with you, or it could be something I wanted. 

If you wanna leave your family again just because things are getting tough. I never want you to come back.  I can't handle you leaving and coming back as you please. I want a normal family one where things stay  steady but if you can't even try to be there for us when we need you, then I never want to rely on someone like you again. You may be my family and blood but that doesn't mean much. Your actions speak louder then your words. I wish I could believe in you but your deciding to leave us again. So this time please don't come back.